Paranoid Android. Me?
Its one of those nights where you just can't sleep. I have a lot of those, a trait I'm sure I inherited from my dad. You lie down and close your eyes, but you can't stop thinking about everything, the million thoughts running through your head. Every little detail seems to block you from fading into subconsciousness, or whatever it is you enter when you go to sleep.
Everyone always tries suggesting a different remedy, what helps, what doesn't. My little sister used to come in my room late (for us late was like midnight), and tell me she couldn't sleep, that she wasn't tired. I would tell her to do jumping jacks. That usually didn't help. I just finished running around my block at 3 A.M., a large feat for someone so lacking in the physical fitness department as myself.
So what exactly is on my mind? Conspiracy. Secrets. Paranoia. Emphasis on the paranoia I'm sure. When I was a little kid I used to think that the only reason anyone hung out with me was because my parents payed them to hang out with me, or that there was at least some outside force working on my behalf to make sure I did well. After all, why would anyone willingly want to spend their time with me? I felt like a lot of times the people I was around didn't enjoy company, rather instead choosing to tolerate it, but why they did I couldn't decipher.
That paranoia has since then kind of died down, but I still often feel like I'm in my own version of The Truman Show. I've never actually seen the movie, but the point is I think that everyone around me is privy to some secret, some hidden characteristic that I possess, except for me. Like my whole life I've had a really distinct smell, or I've had bird poop stuck to the back of my head for the past twenty years. I told that to one of my friends a while back, and all I got was a laugh. No "you're crazy", no confirmation of my fears, just a laugh. Some friend.
All of these are probably completely unfounded fears based in having too much time to think and not enough to do, but if it wasn't for the complete lack of interesting things in my life, I'd say there's the slight probability that there might be a camera hidden inside my speaker right now, staring at me, contemplating my life, and everyone knows it but me.
To justify these neuroses I've had, I have to say I've always considered myself different, and always considered my thought process different from those around me. That probably sounds redundant as hell, as I don't expect any two people to have really similar thought processes, really similar interest/disinterests, really similar experiences, etc. but nonetheless, I feel like I don't really have much in common with anyone I know. And the ones that I do have things in common with (usually non-moz, white, comp sci geek that is really wierd) I really don't want to hang around. Maybe thats how everyone else sees me, the same way I see those wierd comp sci people that were in my classes.
Even my roommate and his brother, though they both like Cowboy Bebop, its almost like they clique with me on that only to amuse me, not because they actually like it. Kind of an out of pity type thing, which if thats the case I really don't want. I'm not interested in friends for pity's sake, nor am I interested in anything else for pity's sake. I don't like to dwell in my own misery and paranoia, I'd rather rise above. Its just that it's hard to do that when theres absolutely nothing else to occupy your mind.
Still can't sleep, lots on my mind. I'll just go veg out and watch some TV. I'm so totally taking the easy way out.
Everyone always tries suggesting a different remedy, what helps, what doesn't. My little sister used to come in my room late (for us late was like midnight), and tell me she couldn't sleep, that she wasn't tired. I would tell her to do jumping jacks. That usually didn't help. I just finished running around my block at 3 A.M., a large feat for someone so lacking in the physical fitness department as myself.
So what exactly is on my mind? Conspiracy. Secrets. Paranoia. Emphasis on the paranoia I'm sure. When I was a little kid I used to think that the only reason anyone hung out with me was because my parents payed them to hang out with me, or that there was at least some outside force working on my behalf to make sure I did well. After all, why would anyone willingly want to spend their time with me? I felt like a lot of times the people I was around didn't enjoy company, rather instead choosing to tolerate it, but why they did I couldn't decipher.
That paranoia has since then kind of died down, but I still often feel like I'm in my own version of The Truman Show. I've never actually seen the movie, but the point is I think that everyone around me is privy to some secret, some hidden characteristic that I possess, except for me. Like my whole life I've had a really distinct smell, or I've had bird poop stuck to the back of my head for the past twenty years. I told that to one of my friends a while back, and all I got was a laugh. No "you're crazy", no confirmation of my fears, just a laugh. Some friend.
All of these are probably completely unfounded fears based in having too much time to think and not enough to do, but if it wasn't for the complete lack of interesting things in my life, I'd say there's the slight probability that there might be a camera hidden inside my speaker right now, staring at me, contemplating my life, and everyone knows it but me.
To justify these neuroses I've had, I have to say I've always considered myself different, and always considered my thought process different from those around me. That probably sounds redundant as hell, as I don't expect any two people to have really similar thought processes, really similar interest/disinterests, really similar experiences, etc. but nonetheless, I feel like I don't really have much in common with anyone I know. And the ones that I do have things in common with (usually non-moz, white, comp sci geek that is really wierd) I really don't want to hang around. Maybe thats how everyone else sees me, the same way I see those wierd comp sci people that were in my classes.
Even my roommate and his brother, though they both like Cowboy Bebop, its almost like they clique with me on that only to amuse me, not because they actually like it. Kind of an out of pity type thing, which if thats the case I really don't want. I'm not interested in friends for pity's sake, nor am I interested in anything else for pity's sake. I don't like to dwell in my own misery and paranoia, I'd rather rise above. Its just that it's hard to do that when theres absolutely nothing else to occupy your mind.
Still can't sleep, lots on my mind. I'll just go veg out and watch some TV. I'm so totally taking the easy way out.
posted by Tosif at
3:06 AM
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