Unwell

It's true that the majority of the posts I write here I don't publish. That's one of the reasons that the updates on this site aren't particularly frequent. Shabina Bhen talked to me about how it sucks when everyone you know knows about everything you're writing, and as a result, the place you want to write your true private reflections, you can't write in. I guess there are ways around it, because I've grown to enjoy having other people read my writing. But when its people that care about you, you usually don't want them knowing everything about you, lest they fear for your wellbeing. I wonder if everyone is that way though.

I think deep down we all have a lot of unhealthy thoughts and feelings that we don't express, even though we'd like to. Raised in a household of rules and behaving properly contributes to limiting what you can and can't say. I remember yesterday at work (a predominantly atheist environment) one of the angsty "I HATE GOD BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE CHRISTIANS" people said something about how their biggest problem with religion is that, as he put it, "every major religion believes in the denial of the self." What that means, the denial of the self, is that people apparently should be allowed to do whatever they please, and should not deny themselves what they want. Premarital sex, drugs, alcohol, all the goodies, but I didn't want to try and argue with him. I've learned how silly it is to argue with those that don't care.

That story doesn't have a particular degree of relevance to my point, that we don't express often enough to the people around us how we truly and honestly feel about things. I know and am willing to admit first that there are a lot of things I don't publish here, as is evident by the growing number of unpublished drafts that I have. Maybe one day I'll publish them... I'd probably title them Unwell or something, and I'll claim that I'm not crazy. I know that right now you can't tell though. But soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how I used to be.

It's amazing the order that people found this blog in. It's oddly similar to the hierarchy of order of people that I think actually care a lot about me. The ones that care the most, or at least that I perceive as caring the most, were the first to find it, and the later ones discovered it later. I'm humbled that there are people out there who even stop to sample some of my writing, and I would never be so pretentious as to think there was more then just a tiny handful of people who actually cared enough to read all of them. I'm not trying to imply a guilt trip or anything by any stretch of the imagination, I just don't consider myself an interesting and intriguing enough person to be worthy of reading all these random ramblings.

There's definitely some merit though to writing your thoughts down, they really do take up less space in your head, and being able to share with people your thoughts is also a helpful notion, though that wasn't the original intention of this blog. At some point I'll have to sum up the year, as... interesting as it has been thus far. I'll probably leave out a lot of the details though, as much of an impact as that's had on my life. Wouldn't want anyone to think I was crazy. If only I could break away from it all. Mr. Mayer himself put it best:

Would the world between us break these ties?
We've worked so hard to realize,
Could a postcard say what I see in your eyes?
Could I ever break away...

Now if only I saw that in someone's eyes. The light, the heat, I'd be complete. I've always been big on eyes, they're an incredibly engrossing characteristic in a human. The Prophet (S) was said to have rarely made eye contact with people, instead choosing to look off to the sides, left, right, down, up, due to his intense hayyat and modesty. I wish I could say the same, and it's bad I know, but a good pair of eyes is such an incredible characteristic to possess. My mom has always been one of the most intriguing people I've known, due to her ridiculously gorgeous greenish-brownish hazel eyes. Now I'd be happy with a pair of big brown eyes, and some good memories of the times gone past. I've got neither right now, but someday I'll have both. Insha'Allah. It's amazing how I started talking about one thing, and by the end of the post was talking about something else entirely. At least it sounds romantic and lovey-dovey. Too bad I'm too manly to admit it. I'm sweet after all, and I get a five o'clock shadow by two. I need a gilette fusion, that five blade razor thing. Or sleep, whatever.

I'm just teasing man!

We've all heard stories of how when boys are young they tease girls or annoy them, and then when asked why they're doing that, why they're pulling their pigtails, they say its because they hate them. In reality though, it's because they really really like them. I do that with a lot of people. My sister can definitely attest to that, with how much I tease and make fun of her. The same with Sephram/Alex, I probably used to make fun of him and mess with him more then just about anyone I know. I still do that with some people, though I'm not quite sure if they realize it or not.

I'm sure he'll read this eventually, but I'd like to dedicate the greater portion of this post to my roommate. Nabil Abdun Nur Khandker. The guys all notice probably how much I poke fun at him, how much I hate his ugly green kurta, but whether or not he's realized it by now, I love the guy like my own flesh and blood. It's awkward writing that because he'll probably be reading this, so this whole time I'm writing this post I'm picturing what exactly he'll be thinking while reading it.

It'll probably be late late in the night, like... after 2:00 A.M. I bet when he reads that line he'll look at the time in the corner to see what time it really is. It's definitely wierd singing the praises of someone when you know they'll be reading it. It's probably better to put it out of my head for now and just write. I could write every greivance I have, every mannerism he has that upsets me, but why go airing out dirty laundry, right?

The reason I'm writing this is because he's had his surprise birthday party tonight. The logistics of who helped plan it aren't really important, and though I didn't attend, I'm really happy that the people that did it for him did it. Surprises are fun, we all enjoy them when they're in good taste.

Let's face it though, the guy is a rocker, he deserves that kinda thing. He possesses every characteristic of a rocker, more so then myself. He stays up until 4 A.M. playing the guitar, something that I'm nothing short of envious of. The thoughts that go through a man's head at those times, in those situations are pretty big ones, ones that I feel shouldn't be forgotten. I'm jealous of the rabid following he has, and only wish that I could have something similar. He's one of the only people I know that actually listens to the same music that I do, something that as most people who've read even a few posts at this point would realize.

He's the type of person that'll stand by you... though quietly, he'll stand by you. He makes very economical use of his words, and won't speak unless spoken to most of the time. Sure I'm aware that those same mannerisms irk the hell outta me, but how do you expect someone to change after they've lived their life that way for twenty years? Oops, twenty one come Tuesday, huh? I was going to buy you a UFC t-shirt from Hot Topic... but it was twenty bucks. Who wants to put a price of twenty bucks on our relationship?! Ok that's a weak excuse, if you want the shirt let me know. How about instead... I go public with this blog, just for you? Ok so public... my version of public is I'll make the link in my profile bigger... C'mon, whaddya expect? I'm a college student after all!

In honor of Nabil, I won't say much in this post. Instead I'll continue through with the same quiet confidence, the same "I know a lot more then I'm telling you" attitude. If you really want to know more you'll have to ask me. I apologize for not joining you tonight, I can't possibly put my heartache aside for it. You mean more then you'll know to me though, and I appreciate your "not necessarily always there" company. I'd take a bullet for you. This one's for you buddy.

What is Love?

I was walking to the library tonight, and passed over one of those sidewalk chalk things that said "What is Love?" and had some website address listed. While I'm fairly sure it was just one of those Spartan Christian Fellowship gimmicks, the question really struck a nerve. I know when most people hear the words "What is Love" images of Chris Kattan, Will Farrell, and a Night-at-the-Roxbury-themed head bobbing begins, but it doesn't change the fact that it's really a great question.

I've been pondering that for a while, in addition to how exactly does it happen? Where's the line that gets crossed between love and like? I think the answer is there is no real one, it's one of those unfortunate grey area things. God I hate those! The reason I pose this question is because I've become over the past couple years incredibly aware of the massive rift between the amount your family cares for you, and the amount friends and acquaintances care for you. Specifically, as I've mentioned before, I find a good litmus test of how much someone cares for you to be how often they think of you. Though by no means a quantitative quality, how often someone thinks about you is demonstrated frequently through the way they act, their mannerisms, and how often they mention you.

Like for example getting calls from someone, or when someone is going out with their group of friends when you're not there and decide to call you to see what you're up to, or when they randomly stop by your place. All these are good indications that someone is thinking about you. And that is a profound notion. The notion that you've had that distinct of an impact on someone, that you've so visibly shaken their status quo that they are willing to push aside a part of their incredibly compacted and messy mind, a la Dreamcatcher's cool little mind filing system, and make space in their current affairs for you.

Now with that idea established, the idea of someone that cares for you, I want to elaborate on what exactly love is. Though poets have been trying for thousands and thousands of years to develop "such an insipid, and human notion as love" as Agent Smith puts it to Neo, I figure I could contribute in this ever encompassing idea, western or not. Now how exactly do you get there, to that point of someone caring about you that much? I've mentioned before that I'm boring... though I guess I have my moments. On the overall though, most people are boring right? They just have their moments. Regardless, my real question is, how do you get some random person off the street, and interact with them, and have positive, dynamic interactions with them, to the point that you can say you love them, and vice versa? I'm talking about someone outside your family.

I think to be able to accomplish that is a great feat, and speaks of a person's character. To be able to get someone to make that kind of a commitment, to allow someone to say that you are the most important (living) person in their world, that they obsess and constantly think about what you're doing has got to be an incredible feeling. Why exactly am I writing about this? It isn't because anything exactly like this has happened to me, so rest assured kiddos. But the question has been triggered greatly by those recent events that have definitely been interesting concerning this here online journal, and I guess I do possess the ability to make a splash. That in itself, experiencing causality first-hand, and realizing it, is a pretty cool feeling. Love itself is a kind of causality thing, only the effect is the recripocal of just being yourself, which is cool because thats a lot to get, out of simply being no one but you. I'm sure that people'll be a little bit freaked out... Oh he's talking about love again, is he in love with someone? I kind of like that, the edginess that it causes in people. It shows they really care. Is that cruel of me? Maybe, but at least I get a kick out of it. Something I don't get very often, being my incredibly cynical, boring, sarcastic, intellectual, nerdy, and generally very... very weird self.

I don't feel the way I've ever felt

I know, gonna smile and not get worried. I try but it shows. Two posts in a row? What the heck, this really is a rather unproductive week huh? I have the feeling this'll be one of the more random blogs with no major focus, as I'm thinking about a lot of things right now, as everyone always does when they don't have much going on.

Coming back to what I had said about apathy a few posts back, a few more examples of that showed up recently. Most notably, there's been a cause that has been going year long, and none of these people exhibited any sort of effort towards helping it, but suddenly within the last week there's been a massive influx of people interested in the cause. Now on the surface one would think I'd be ecstatic that there are suddenly so many interested, seemingly caring individuals, but for a lot of them it seems like a farce. I know it's probably not good to make judgments like that, so of course I would never approach these people and tell them so, but I'm really concerned as to what these people will do if they're granted the responsibilities they're currently suddenly seeking, even though for the greater part of the year they fell into the category of people I was talking about about being apathetic, and unwilling to consciously listen to what was being said to them.

In the biggest news that I've gotten for a while, a girl told me she liked me today. DUN DUN DUN. Sounds like high school doesn't it? OMG she likes me. It's a bit more complex then that, but this is a big deal for me, because it's not something that ever happens, not to me at least. It's happened before, but it's different when its from someone that you actually care about in return, vs. that random white high schooler girl who gets nothing from you but a weird sideways glance and a "were you talking to the right person?" I don't quite know where it'll go, but I wouldn't handle such a thing in any way but the most responsible. dunt werry ma, ya raised yur kid gud. I'm really happy and thankful that something like this happened when I was 20, instead of when I was 17 or younger, because though I've said before that 20 isn't the smartest age, it does at least allow me a degree of reality check that a 17 year old might not have. With that said I won't either discount this and brush it off, nor will I completely embrace it. Dangerous waters indeed.

The other small business I'd like to wrap up is an update on the whole thinking too much thing. It really is true that the less you have going on, the more you spend thinking. Similar to Matilda, that energy has to go somewhere, though I haven't lifted many spoons today. There needs to be healthy outlets for that excess energy, something that I'm sometimes lacking, even though people put suggestions to me on what do with idle time. I know, idle time, bad bad bad, that point doesn't need to be reinforced, But a man's thoughts shouldn't make him crazy, should it? A man left alone with nothing but his thoughts should remain healthy shouldn't he? I like thinking... I think. But there's gotta be a limit, moderation in everything after all. I think thats one of the best pieces of advice to live by: Moderation in everything. Those words are so true in my mind that I really can't over emphasize it. Moderation in religion, moderation in work, in play, in studies, in social life, in everything. I guess this post wasn't as random as I wanted it to be. I had more on my mind when I started writing... but I got up at one point to go talk to someone, and came back and forgot the rest. Now I'm sitting at grand central station waiting for my train of thought to catch up. Who caught that? AND who caught the Jimmy Eat World reference at the start? Damn Jimmy Eat World kicks ass.

I used to be fun

What I've realized over the weekend is how much I've changed over the course of the year. Everyone always makes note of how these are the fast changing times of our life, that these are the times where we look back only a short while later and realize "man was I ever stupid back then." That's supposed to be a good thing; It means that you've matured a little bit, that you're smarter then you were before.

However I've lately been looking back much more fondly of the year past, then of the one that I'm currently in. My whole college career has been filled with all sorts of experiences that I'll probably never forget, but the types of experiences from last year are very very different from those that I went through and am going through this year. The best way I can sum last year up is this: I used to be fun. I used to be a lotta fun to be around (or at least I'd like to think so), I used to be silly, off-the-wall crazy, and I loved it. This year however, for whatever reason, whenever I try and do that, I'm met with a "that's gay."

That's the best way to describe it I'd think, that anything that someone doesn't want you to do is gay. It doesn't quite make sense... and they say that you're not supposed to care what everyone else thinks, but I think that's BS. You can't possibly sustain the same high level of energy and happiness when everything around you feels like a buzzkill. Not that I'm trying to blame my surroundings, because I realize I'm probably partially at fault as well.

All I really wish is that this year was more fun. It's no secret that the guys at MSU this year are a lot cliquey-er, and as such it's a lot more difficult to actually have a good time with them. I don't know why exactly that is, why we've become so fragmented, but there're a lotta different reasons people attribute the cracks in the brotherhood too. The fact that we don't have a central location, the fact that people are busier (which I think is just an excuse, if you actually even wanted to do something you're able to make time), the stuff that happened towards the end of the year last year, whatever it is, I don't think I've genuinely laughed at something in a very long time.

To say that it sucks would be an understatement. It flat out hurts that (as I've said before) people are so apathetic about it, and prefer to remain in their little three-four man cliques. Sure I can spend time with them, and I do, but the fact remains: I used to be fun. We used to be fun. What happened? I just want to laugh and have fun like I did last year, and it just doesn't happen any more. Everything is so forced, nothing is natural any more.

Uh oh, another depressing sounding post huh? At least as people will tell you, the girls are seemingly a lot better this year then they were last year. They're a lot closer, which is good, I'm happy for them, I wish the guys could look at them and realize how genuinely happy they are just being kids, because thats all I really want right now.