Unwell

It's true that the majority of the posts I write here I don't publish. That's one of the reasons that the updates on this site aren't particularly frequent. Shabina Bhen talked to me about how it sucks when everyone you know knows about everything you're writing, and as a result, the place you want to write your true private reflections, you can't write in. I guess there are ways around it, because I've grown to enjoy having other people read my writing. But when its people that care about you, you usually don't want them knowing everything about you, lest they fear for your wellbeing. I wonder if everyone is that way though.

I think deep down we all have a lot of unhealthy thoughts and feelings that we don't express, even though we'd like to. Raised in a household of rules and behaving properly contributes to limiting what you can and can't say. I remember yesterday at work (a predominantly atheist environment) one of the angsty "I HATE GOD BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE CHRISTIANS" people said something about how their biggest problem with religion is that, as he put it, "every major religion believes in the denial of the self." What that means, the denial of the self, is that people apparently should be allowed to do whatever they please, and should not deny themselves what they want. Premarital sex, drugs, alcohol, all the goodies, but I didn't want to try and argue with him. I've learned how silly it is to argue with those that don't care.

That story doesn't have a particular degree of relevance to my point, that we don't express often enough to the people around us how we truly and honestly feel about things. I know and am willing to admit first that there are a lot of things I don't publish here, as is evident by the growing number of unpublished drafts that I have. Maybe one day I'll publish them... I'd probably title them Unwell or something, and I'll claim that I'm not crazy. I know that right now you can't tell though. But soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how I used to be.

It's amazing the order that people found this blog in. It's oddly similar to the hierarchy of order of people that I think actually care a lot about me. The ones that care the most, or at least that I perceive as caring the most, were the first to find it, and the later ones discovered it later. I'm humbled that there are people out there who even stop to sample some of my writing, and I would never be so pretentious as to think there was more then just a tiny handful of people who actually cared enough to read all of them. I'm not trying to imply a guilt trip or anything by any stretch of the imagination, I just don't consider myself an interesting and intriguing enough person to be worthy of reading all these random ramblings.

There's definitely some merit though to writing your thoughts down, they really do take up less space in your head, and being able to share with people your thoughts is also a helpful notion, though that wasn't the original intention of this blog. At some point I'll have to sum up the year, as... interesting as it has been thus far. I'll probably leave out a lot of the details though, as much of an impact as that's had on my life. Wouldn't want anyone to think I was crazy. If only I could break away from it all. Mr. Mayer himself put it best:

Would the world between us break these ties?
We've worked so hard to realize,
Could a postcard say what I see in your eyes?
Could I ever break away...

Now if only I saw that in someone's eyes. The light, the heat, I'd be complete. I've always been big on eyes, they're an incredibly engrossing characteristic in a human. The Prophet (S) was said to have rarely made eye contact with people, instead choosing to look off to the sides, left, right, down, up, due to his intense hayyat and modesty. I wish I could say the same, and it's bad I know, but a good pair of eyes is such an incredible characteristic to possess. My mom has always been one of the most intriguing people I've known, due to her ridiculously gorgeous greenish-brownish hazel eyes. Now I'd be happy with a pair of big brown eyes, and some good memories of the times gone past. I've got neither right now, but someday I'll have both. Insha'Allah. It's amazing how I started talking about one thing, and by the end of the post was talking about something else entirely. At least it sounds romantic and lovey-dovey. Too bad I'm too manly to admit it. I'm sweet after all, and I get a five o'clock shadow by two. I need a gilette fusion, that five blade razor thing. Or sleep, whatever.